If the idea of a long-distance marriage feels overwhelming, you’re definitely not by yourself. Navigating distance in a relationship can be one of the toughest challenges a couple faces, but the truth is that many individuals experience long-distance relationships at some point. Life can be unpredictable, and a significant aspect of choosing the right partner is recognizing that unforeseen difficulties (like distance) will likely occur. If you and your partner equip yourselves with the appropriate skills, there’s no doubt that you can navigate the highs and lows of being apart.
So, what is required to ensure a long-distance marriage thrives? First and foremost, similar to any marriage, it requires unwavering commitment; that’s the foundation. If you wholeheartedly love someone and are determined to make the relationship last despite the miles, it can and will happen—you both have the capacity to succeed. It simply comes down to understanding how to communicate, honing good problem-solving abilities together, and a few additional strategies.
Here, relationship expert Liam Barnett shares advice for maintaining happiness and health in a long-distance marriage.
Emphasize Communication
Barnett’s first recommendation is “consistent and transparent communication.” In an age of advanced technology, there’s truly no reason to go a day without contacting your partner. While each couple will establish their own unique rhythm for communicating, aim to message each other several times during the day to sustain a sense of connection and familiarity. You want to feel close and engaged, and regular messaging provides that type of comfort. “Consider the communication methods you’re using and how they affect the interpretation of your words,” Barnett notes. It can sometimes be challenging to convey the tone in a text message, so remember that you may need to choose your words with extra care when expressing emotions like excitement or frustration.
Don’t assume everything will be understood exactly as you intended—long-distance communication allows for plenty of room for misunderstanding, so approach these situations with patience for your partner.
Make Time for Video Calls
Naturally, lengthy phone conversations—preferably over FaceTime or Zoom—after work or during the evening are ideal, as they allow both of you to share about your day, perhaps play a game or share a laugh, impart deeper thoughts, and connect before bedtime. Since you will mostly be apart, it’s wise to commit to seeing each other through video every single day. Dedicating time specifically for your partner is crucial—and it should be more than just a quick chat, ideally lasting an hour or so. Just as we allocate time for a partner who lives nearby, we must also make time for a long-distance partner.
If you’re feeling dissatisfied with the flow of communication between you and your spouse, don’t keep it to yourself. It’s important to let them know that you’re feeling off—gently express that you need a change to feel comfortable and supported. The more openly and frequently you discuss personal and shared challenges, the closer you will feel.
Cultivate Emotional Intimacy
Barnett emphasizes that emotional intimacy should not be overlooked in a long-distance marriage. It can be easy to fall into a pattern of sending brief texts during the day, catching up over the phone at night, and then going to bed. Finding ways to establish an intimate emotional bond with your partner at least every few days is essential, whether that involves engaging in deep conversation starters, revisiting your shared aspirations, or prompting them to share their true feelings—being an attentive listener is crucial here.
Value Sexual Connection
Even though you may be separated by distance, and it might not seem as natural as physical touch, “maintaining a healthy sexual dynamic” is extremely important in a long-distance marriage, advises Barnett. Yes, it will take time for both partners to find their rhythm—creating a long-distance sexual connection requires practice!—but it’s essential to carve out time and discuss with your partner what you both desire in this aspect. Perhaps schedule a sexy video call each week—light some candles, play soft music, dress in something alluring, and play a game—making your sexual connection a priority.
Keep in Mind That You Are a Team
Everything in your long-distance marriage will feel somewhat more manageable if you consistently remind yourself that you and your spouse are a team. According to Barnett, if you communicate as a unit and solve problems collectively, you’ll be well on your way to maintaining a healthy relationship, regardless of the distance. Certainly, it won’t always be simple; conflicts will inevitably arise, and both of you will have challenging days. However, adopting this mindset in your relationship and conversations will ultimately help to strengthen your bond, no matter how far apart you may be.
How do you handle spending significant time away from your partner? I spoke with several individuals in this situation who shared their insights:
Remind Yourself of the Reasons for Making the Sacrifice
A common theme that emerged during my discussions with couples who are married long-distance, especially those with children, was the necessity of regularly reminding themselves of the benefits of their situation to reinforce their tough choice to be apart.
Cindy, residing in New York City while her husband works in Alaska for four to five months each year, noted that she initially approached the long-distance relationship with a “can’t do” mindset when it started last year. At that time, she was managing two young children and a newborn, struggling with the separation. Now, she understands this arrangement is beneficial for her family and consistently checks in with herself and her husband about it.
She admits, “I need to constantly reflect on what the sacrifice we’re making really stands for. He has a seasonal job, and this enables us to spend the entire other six or seven months together. I regularly have to remind myself of this. I do find it challenging at times. I daydream about my husband having a ‘normal’ job, seeing each other daily, and leading a typical life, but then I recall the past six months when we were together, and there’s no comparison.”
If you’re finding the long-distance situation difficult, it can be helpful to create a list outlining why you and your partner are making this sacrifice. Most likely, there’s a valid reason for your time apart.
Plan Regular Visits—and Get Excited About Them
Desiree, who wed Michael in September, has experienced difficulties adapting to her long-distance marriage since they lived together for three years before tying the knot. She was aware that Michael might move to take over the family business upstate, but she wasn’t ready for the solitude of sleeping and waking up alone during the weekdays. Nonetheless, she feels that their relationship has become stronger as a result.
She states, “The bright side is that absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. We are both incredibly thrilled when we finally reunite because we miss one another greatly while apart. Seeing Michael at the end of the week is the best part of my week. It gives me something to anticipate, and I enjoy planning little adventures for us during our weekends together.”
Geoff and Karen, who are long-distance in Northern California, often find themselves apart for most of the month due to shared custody of their children with former spouses. Together, they have five kids and busy lives, but make it a point to schedule regular weekends and some weeknights together, depending on their schedules. “Every couple of months, we’ll plan for longer periods together: three-day weekends, family vacations, or work engagements that allow for travel accommodating spouses,” Geoff explains.
Cindy agrees, stating, “Having your next plan” is vital for those in long-distance relationships. She and her husband are already looking forward to their date nights next month in Alaska, when they will reunite. Anticipating their time together aids her and her husband in strengthening their bond.
E-Flirt
In long-term relationships, we often utilize our phones for practical purposes, such as arranging logistics and planning, but those in long-distance marriages also leverage technology to flirt and connect.
Aside from sending sweet and amusing texts throughout the day, many long-distance couples playfully tease one another, sharing risqué photos and flirty messages. This aspect of a long-distance marriage is beneficial, as it’s easy to neglect the pursuit of each other when you’re together every day.
Rather than waiting until they can be together physically, several long-distance couples enjoy dining or watching a movie or TV show together via video calls on Skype. Geoff mentions, “Karen and I communicate a lot through text, have phone conversations, and sometimes have virtual dates by watching a favorite show ‘together,’ exchanging commentary and jokes by text.”
Jackie, whose husband is away about half of the month, looks forward to the sweet text messages she receives at bedtime while her husband is waking up and beginning his day. She comments, “This method of connecting has actually elevated our marriage to a new level. I miss him when he’s gone, but these small daily messages help us feel like we aren’t just a dull couple…it’s as if we’re actually fun again!”
While digital communication cannot substitute for being together in real life, technology has enabled long-distance marriages to flourish and connect in exciting new ways.
Communication, Communication, Communication!
Regular communication is vital for maintaining a long-distance marriage to prevent feelings of disconnection or resentment. It’s important to consistently check in with one another so both partners feel aligned.
Cindy acknowledges it’s normal to “take turns” feeling frustrated by the long-distance situation. She states, “We try to support each other when one of us is feeling slightly down. It oscillates. Of course, there is occasional anxiety, and you won’t always have one person remain strong. When [my husband] feels low, I step up, and he does the same for me.”
Since Cindy’s husband is stationed in Alaska, which is four hours behind New York, daily communication can be challenging—either she stays up too late or he has to wake up too early to connect. Nevertheless, they are dedicated to talking each day. She explains, “We’re always looking for a good time to chat. When the kids come home from school, it’s mid-day for him, making work too hectic. Recently, my husband mentioned he would wake up at 3 A.M. while the kids are having breakfast just to say hi and then go back to sleep.” She is also willing to disrupt her sleep patterns and stay up beyond her bedtime (at 11 P.M., midnight, or 1 A.M.) to converse with her husband.
They have come to the conclusion that it’s preferable to sacrifice sleep than to lose their communication and connection.
Geoff treasures the daily texts and calls he shares with his wife Karen when they are apart. Discussing daily activities and “calling when something significant occurs, whether good or bad” is essential for them. For Karen and Geoff, maintaining regular contact has helped them successfully avoid conflict. Geoff added, “(Conflict) can intensify due to distance. There’s already enough conflict in life.”
There are clear drawbacks as well as unexpectedly positive aspects of being in a long-distance marriage. Sometimes we may not want to acknowledge it, but there are benefits to spending time away from our partners, provided it’s not indefinite. Having a ‘deadline’ for when you will be reunited was crucial for all the couples I interviewed.
In Desiree and Michael’s situation, they committed to reuniting within a year. In the meantime, she shares that the long-distance marriage has had a positive impact. “This whole situation is temporary, and I truly believe it’s making us stronger,” she explains.