What is BDSM? Well, beyond the sensationalism you might see in the media, there’s a lot to the world of BDSM, kinky sex, fetish, and ‘the scene’.
Before you download your first BDSM dating app or dive into bondage sex, it’s important to get a practical primer on the basics and ground rules of BDSM sex. It’s a good idea to swot up on terms like bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, and masochism so you know what to do and how to do it safely, before jumping straight into kinky sex.
In order to make sure everyone is enjoying themselves and taking necessary precautions, it will be important to have ongoing discussions about boundaries and consent with your partner(s). And always remember SSC — is it safe? Is it sane? Is it consensual?
Want to know what you’re getting yourself in for? Read these bondage sex stories from real women. And read our safe guide to BSDM below, which we created in collaboration with sex and relationships expert Annabelle Knight and a range of kink experts and educators.
What is BDSM?
BDSM is an umbrella term that refers to a spectrum of sexual behaviours and preferences. The acronym stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.
“Although some people think that BDSM is ‘kinky’, in some cases it doesn’t have to involve sex at all — the mental connotations of some acts are more of a turn-on than the prelude of a particular act leading to sex,” Knight explains.
“Many specific practices by lovers who indulge in BDSM are performed in neutral, mutually consenting relationships. This emphasis on informed consent is of paramount importance when carrying out a BDSM act because BDSM often involves varying degrees of pain, physical restraint, and servitude.”
Knight explains that tying your partner up, spanking them, or putting a collar around their neck and making them crawl around on all fours are just a several examples of a spectrum of BDSM activities. While these might be considered ‘kinky’ activities, remember that if this kind of thing doesn’t float your boat, there is a whole world of fetish and kink beyond the power dynamics of BDSM. Kink doesn’t stop with this particular area, so if chains and whips don’t excite you, but certain smells, outfits, or scenarios do, that’s totally up to you — there’s no ‘correct way’ to be kinky.
BDSM, consent, and safe words
If you are keen to get stuck into BDSM, however, the number one thing you need to be thinking about before getting started is safety and consent. Informed consent between individuals is known as SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) or RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink). “It’s common practice for lovers who indulge in regular BDSM acts to introduce a safe word, which when spoken ensures that the current act stops immediately if things start to get out of hand,” Knight says.
It could be a word with no relation to sex at all, such as ‘pomegranate’, but the important thing is that you both agree that hearing or speaking your chosen safety word signifies that all activity has to stop until the situation has been resolved.
Traffic light system
The traffic light system is a very easy-to-use and popular safe word system. Each colour communicates how you’re feeling and what you want in the current context.
Red means stop. Saying this tells your partner you want them to stop everything they’re doing immediately. It should be used when you’re not comfortable, things are getting too much, or you no longer consent.
Yellow (or amber) means slow down. Maybe you liked what they were doing but then it became a little too much. Yellow is basically saying “slow it down or reel it in a little bit”. It can also mean you’re reaching your limit, or are bordering on physical discomfort.
Green means go for it. Use green if you like what your partner is doing, you feel totally comfortable, and you want them to continue.
Responding to a ‘no’ or ‘stop’
If your partner asks you to stop, “you should always greet a ‘no’ or ‘stop’ with gratitude and acceptance,” says bondage and fetish expert, Marika Leila Roux, CEO of Shibari Study, a global online platform that teaches the practice of Shibari rope bondage.
“Saying ‘no’ can be very hard and any sign of frustration on the receiving end might compromise honest communication in the future,” continues Roux. “Showing positive reinforcement and acceptance when your partner finds the courage to express their limits and boundaries will encourage them to always communicate freely with you. This is important to protect them from feeling violated but also to limit the risk of you unintentionally violating them. Their ability to say ‘no’ is a beautiful gift, not a limitation!”
Getting consent
“I cannot stress enough the importance of thoroughly educating yourself about consent and negotiations and making sure that your partners are sufficiently informed as well before engaging in any intimate activity involving power-exchange,” says Roux. “Each partnership and context is different, and the methods used to negotiate and navigate a session consensually should be adapted to their unique needs and dynamics.”
While everyone’s needs are different, Roux has some general advice for negotiating boundaries and consent. “It is very important to learn how to properly and usefully negotiate with your partners. Seek first to understand, then be understood. Ask questions and genuinely listen to the answers from your partner. Seek to understand their genuine motivations and boundaries.”
Don’t rely on implied consent
“If you rely only on implied consent, there is room for misinterpretation. You cannot count on someone being able to read your mind any more than you should assume you can correctly read theirs. Cultivating mutual self-awareness as well as good communication skills is the key to successful and empowering experiences,” Roux explains.
Speak honestly about your desires and boundaries
More from Roux: “Don’t be afraid to have a frank and honest conversation about desires, boundaries, and consent with your partner(s). It is important to know your partner’s unique views on BDSM and their consent philosophy. Remember that consent goes both ways; it is important that everyone involved explicitly and honestly states their expectations, limits, and experience. Be sure to discuss all of these things beforehand, especially if it’s with someone new.”
Don’t think of consent as something to get out of the way
Roux adds: “Taking the time to negotiate a session and understand your partner’s and your own desires and expectations can be really exciting and a way to connect deeply. I’ve had several negotiations that were as fulfilling as the session itself!”
What does it mean to be a Dominant?
Knight advises that to begin with, you and your partner(s) must first decide between you who is going to undertake the dominant role and who is going to play the submissive role. “It’s extremely important for both of you to interchange and play both roles so you can both experience being in control of your shared sexual destiny. Quite simply, the dominant role will demonstrate skill and power and will control the submissive role.”
The Dominant/submissive dynamic is also also referred to as a top/bottom dynamic. In BDSM, the ‘top’ is the dominant partner who provides the rules and controls the situation, perhaps by way of spanking and bondage or by giving orders and instructions. The ‘bottom’ is the submissive partner who might follow orders or receive what the dominant partner is dishing out. “However, bottoms can also be the more dominant partner by demanding the top to perform certain acts of their choosing and even insist on switching roles,” says Knight. This is often referred to as ‘topping from the bottom’.
“It’s extremely important for both of you to play both roles”
Ultimately, the submissive person is always in a position of power, it’s up to them how far the situation goes and how they would like to be dominated. If you’re ever in a situation where you’re playing a submissive role and feel that things aren’t going the way you’d like, you have the power to stop the scene, using your safe word or the traffic light system.
Some people in the BDSM world also refer to themselves as a ‘switch’, which means they enjoy switching from one dynamic to another and derive pleasure from being both dominant and submissive, depending on their mood, their partner, and the scene.
What does it mean to be a submissive?
Knight explains that the position of the submissive is “one of trust and learning”. She says it involves “giving away the reins to your mind and body and allowing your lover to take them fully”. While being a submissive is about relinquishing control, she is keen to point out you will not cease to have a voice.
“A submissive lover should always expect a level of balance and to be able to guide sex within the boundaries of their own desires without pressure to exceed them,” she adds. “Many people with sexually submissive desires have concerns about the effect it may have on their day-to-day living. We have a conscious choice to act and by submitting to your lover in the bedroom, you will not find this choice has been invalidated. It is in fact incredibly common for confident and socially dominant individuals to act on their sexually submissive fantasies.”
Knight says it’s important to remember that by taking a sexually submissive role, “you are not giving your lover carte blanche to use you in any way they see fit”. She says while there are couples that choose to live in a 24/7 Dominant/submissive (or D/s) relationship, not everyone who has submissive desires in sex has to follow this relationship structure or has a desire to do so.
If you’re at any point uncomfortable
If at any point during BDSM sex or play you feel like your partner is taking advantage of your submissiveness, then you must tell them how you’re feeling. “You get to set the boundaries of your sexual play just as much as they do, submissive or not, and if you’re unhappy with any part of play then raising the issue is a must,” says Knight.
There are lots of acronyms and terms in the BDSM community that you may or may not identify with. These are really just a guide and help people to feel more comfortable and like they are part of a tangible movement that validates their sexual desires. You might hear terms like ‘brat’, ‘puppy’, ‘pleasure top’, ‘Daddy Dom’, and ‘mistress’, but none of these need apply to you if you don’t feel like they resonate with you.
The most important thing is exploring safely and communicating your needs and desires comfortably. You need to be able to build trust in order to successfully enjoy BDSM.
BDSM and bondage sex toys for beginners
Knight suggests beginner couples leave out accessories and equipment for the first few sessions, and instead focus entirely on each other. She explains: “Becoming accustomed to a role as a dominant lover takes time, even if you’re used to leading sex. All lights are on you and what you’re going to do next.”
The popularity of bondage toys has skyrocketed over the last couple of years. And once you feel you are ready to use sex toys and accessories, there are so many fun products to choose from, starting with your trusty blindfold and restraints.
Start with basic sensory deprivation
Knight says the use of a blindfold stops the wearer from seeing what is happening and handcuffs prevent them from moving. There’s a reason these accessories are so synonymous with BDSM — they’re simple, yet effective.
“Sensory deprivation — which is, of course, one of the best and most important aspects of bondage — can be a little unsettling for BDSM beginners, so it’s good to take things slowly, regularly check in with one another, and, after a session, reflect together on how you are feeling. Taking things slow if necessary and being conscious of everyone involved’s needs is a crucial aspect of responsible BDSM.”
Slowly removing power from the submissive and putting it in the hands of the Dominant is your basic entry point, and this can be combined with any number of fantasies, verbal cues and conversations, and sex acts. It’s about adding the practice to your existing sexual desires at a pace that feels right for you. So, for example, if someone you don’t know very well wants to jump straight to very intense restraint and impact play, know that you need to have very clear conversations about what you like and what you expect from this.
Beginners BDSM and bondage kits
A simple first-time bondage kit is a great way to get started as it will come with beginners’ accessories that are great to experiment with and not too intimidating to use. We love this kit from Lovehoney which uses soft materials and has plenty to play and experiment with. Of course, you can find accessories to use with your bondage kit that feel right for you. In fact, some of the best vibrators and fetish wear are compatible with the sorts of straps, harnesses, and restraints used for BDSM, so there’s a lot of crossover and potential to make your fantasies come to life.
“Taking things slow and being conscious of everyone’s needs is a crucial aspect of responsible BDSM”
What if I don’t want to try BDSM?
If you feel uncomfortable at any point, communicate this to your partner. It might be as simple as telling them, ‘That’s too far’, ‘That doesn’t feel good’, or, ‘I don’t like that, please don’t do it again’. If you feel that you can’t communicate your feelings in the moment, or if you feel coerced into trying something that you don’t want to do, always try to debrief.
If you feel you can’t communicate with your partner at all and they’ve tried to engage in BDSM practices without your consent, there is help available to you. Always speak to someone about what has happened and how it made you feel. You may want to speak to a therapist or sexual health counsellor. Sexual health experts at clinics around the country offer free advice and support as does Brook Charity.
In a world where rough sex has been normalised by widely available porn, someone may tell you something is normal when you don’t personally feel it’s normal. They may call you ‘vanilla’, a ‘prude’, or threaten to stop seeing you if you don’t want to have the kind of sex they are trying to persuade you to have. This is coercive control; only you know what you enjoy sexually, how rough you are keen to be with a partner, or the limits of your submission. Your safety is paramount, however you choose to have sex and whatever your fantasies are.
The best advice is to ease into this kind of play with a partner you trust and who is willing to listen to you when you express your desires, boundaries, and hard limits.