The 2010 film “Catfish” followed photographer Nev Schulman as he attempts to uncover the identity of the person behind his online relationship with a stunning 19-year-old singer named Megan. In the end, Schulman discovers that the individual he had been in contact with through numerous texts, Facebook messages, and phone calls was actually a fabricated identity created by a middle-aged mother residing in Michigan.
Since that time, the term “catfishing” has become widely recognized in the dating world, referring to the act of pretending to be someone entirely different online compared to your true self. While most individuals hopefully are not using alluring photos of others to deceive their online dating matches, the allure to embellish details like age, height, or profession to attract more interest is certainly present.
If you’ve encountered an online date in real life who didn’t match the photos or description provided in their profile, you’re likely aware of how awkward kittenfishing can create a tense initial meeting.
“Fundamentally, kittenfishing can be considered a ‘light’ version of catfishing,” explains Jonathan Bennet, the founder of Double Trust Dating. “Although you aren’t impersonating someone else, you’re still presenting yourself in a misleading manner. This can involve using pictures from flattering angles, misrepresenting numbers (such as age and height), posting outdated images, wearing hats if you’re bald, or anything else that significantly alters how you appear in person.”
This also applies to the lifestyle you present in your dating profile. While it’s assumed you’re not regularly pictured with lions on safari, claiming a luxury rental car as your own, pretending that your wealthy friend’s family’s yacht is yours, or inaccurately stating your job (by the way, saying you work in “finance” is not the same as being a bank teller) also fits this definition.
What motivates people to kittenfish?
The realm of online dating is incredibly competitive, and it’s easy to conceal imperfections in a digital context; ultimately, we all desire to be loved. Therefore, distorting the truth may seem like the best approach to enhance your chances of securing that first date.
It’s well-known that dating apps have transformed the dating landscape. Why engage someone in person and risk facing rejection when you have the option to swipe left or right safely from your own home? For individuals who genuinely believe they project better in person than in photographs, Sharone Weltfried, a licensed clinical psychologist based in San Francisco, suggests that kittenfishing can be viewed as a tactic.
“People who kittenfish aim to bolster their chances of securing a first date because they believe their personality, charm, wit, intelligence, humor, and more can win others over in person,” Weltfried explains. “These individuals might also use old or heavily filtered images, trusting that they look more appealing in real life than in their current or unedited pictures.”
However, regardless of how charming your personality may be, the reality remains that you are starting a potential relationship with a falsehood. “Kittenfishing is ultimately a form of deceit and manipulation, and even if your date is understanding, it’s not an ideal foundation for a relationship,” notes Bennet.
Elisa Robin, Ph.D., illustrates how kittenfishing can lead to negative outcomes with a poignant example. “I met a guy who claimed to be 5′ 8″, but he was clearly shorter than me (I’m 5’5″). My initial impression was that he was dishonest. I may not have minded his height, but I certainly minded his dishonesty.”
Indicators that you might be experiencing kittenfishing
While you will certainly realize you’ve been kittenfished after the first date, psychologist Ana Jovanovic points out several warning signs to be aware of beforehand.
- You may observe inconsistencies in the information someone provides. “You might catch them in contradictory statements or notice they struggle to answer a basic question about a subject they claim to care about,” Jovanovic says.
- A lack of specifics when you start asking deeper questions is another red flag. “They might dodge giving you details about their job, experiences, or background—because the specifics could expose the truth,” Jovanovic advises.
- An overly idealized self-portrayal can signal that they might be too good to be authentic. If it appears they have no flaws at all, Jovanovic indicates that it’s quite likely they may not be genuine.
Ultimately, it’s your choice whether to dig deeper into the situation or not. However, if you find yourself dealing with a kittenfisher, Jovanovic suggests reflecting on the question: “What might this person be trying to hide or deceive about, how serious is the kittenfishing, and how crucial is this to you? Your decision should be based on the answers you find to this question.”
Wait… could I be kittenfishing?! If you’re still thinking about that one profile picture from last summer — the one where you used a sepia filter to appear more tan — let’s take a moment to consider it. If you suspect you might be kittenfishing, Jovanovic advises you to ask yourself the following questions and answer them honestly.
If someone were to meet me now, what differences would they notice between my online persona and the real me? Picture yourself going on a date with a potential match. Would they be able to recognize you from your pictures? Do you look the same in person as you do in the photos they’ve seen? We all have our more flattering angles, but are you purposely concealing how your body genuinely appears?
How many little lies have I told this person? A match asked what you were doing, and you thought that “cleaning the bathroom” was a less attractive answer, so you embellished and said you were out with friends instead. While minor fibs can occur in online dating, if you’ve frequently told them that create a misleading image of you, it might have led to unrealistic expectations.
What do I think this person would say about me? Is that the same way I see myself? You might have labeled yourself as adventurous and outdoorsy, yet you’ve never actually hiked in your life… now your match believes that would be the perfect first date.
If a close friend who knows me well spoke with this person, would they recognize me as the same individual? Would your best friend be able to identify you from your online dating profile? Having a friend review your profile can be an effective method to ensure you’re representing yourself well without misleading a potential match.
If any of this resonates with you, Jovanovic recommends taking some time to uncover your genuine best qualities. “Think about what makes you unique,” she states. “What strengths do you have? What achievements are you proud of? What do you and those around you appreciate about you? If you’re unsure about what attracts people to you, consult others and ask how they would describe you.”
The underlying reason for kittenfishing is a wish to improve oneself. Although there are aspects you might not be able to change, Jovanovic suggests that striving towards a better version of yourself can help lessen the urge to kittenfish. “Establish objectives to become this enhanced version of yourself,” she points out. “If you continuously feel the need to portray yourself as more accomplished, better-looking, or more sociable than you really are, consider setting goals that will enable you to genuinely grow in areas that matter to you.”