When Elle Grant’s husband began to spend significant time at work with a female colleague, she didn’t feel suspicious at first. “I wasn’t concerned because he didn’t find her appealing,” Grant shares. “She was unappealing, challenging at her job. But something kept gnawing at my mind.”
Eventually, Grant confronted her husband regarding her intuition that something was wrong. Gradually, the whole truth started to emerge. “He confessed a little at first, and then over the following days and weeks, he revealed more. I was stunned and heartbroken.”
Despite the infidelity, the pair remained together and are now approaching their 23rd wedding anniversary. However, for many couples, betrayal signifies the end of their relationship. Research from the Austin Institute indicates that infidelity is responsible for approximately 37 percent of divorces in the U.S.
Recovering from such circumstances is difficult — but, as marriage and family therapist Amanda D. Mahoney notes, couples who successfully navigate staying together after infidelity share a crucial trait: “They show a willingness to address the potential issues that may have led to the affair rather than only concentrating on the act of infidelity itself,” she clarifies.
This shouldn’t be mistaken for making excuses for cheating by attributing it to problems in the relationship. However, if both partners can genuinely discuss what hasn’t been functioning — without engaging in blaming each other — it signifies a positive indication that the relationship might be salvageable.
Indeed, it may not only be possible to mend what was broken, but the couple could emerge even stronger if they approach it correctly.
“If both you and your partner are willing to reunite after the incident and truly wish to work things out, it can serve as one of the most significant catalysts for growth in a couple’s relationship,” asserts Jen Elmquist, relationship expert and co-host of Evine After Dark.
For Grant, who is an author and journalist residing in Toronto, separating wasn’t the immediate plan. “I had three young children and wanted to avoid causing upheaval in their lives unless I was absolutely sure I wanted to leave the marriage,” she explains. Instead, she concentrated on her own healing with the assistance of a therapist, while her husband sought therapy individually.
How to Progress After Infidelity
If both partners are committed to taking the essential steps to recover from an affair, it can be achieved, but the journey will be lengthy. Here are several crucial actions to undertake together that could assist in mending your relationship.
Ensure there is genuine remorse
“There must be a significant level of regret. If you are the partner who has been unfaithful, you need to genuinely feel a deep sense of sorrow. It cannot come across as casual in any way. There has to be a profound sense of regret for what transpired,” Elmquist states. “And if you are the one who has been cheated on and don’t see that remorse from your partner, that’s something you should look for as the foundation for getting back on track.”
Be transparent about the reasons behind it
This is the toughest step and will significantly influence whether you can both move forward. “People can occasionally make unwise decisions,” Mahoney explains. “The critical question is: does that poor decision and/or the underlying issues now have to determine the future of your relationship? The response chiefly hinges on the motivating factors that led to the affair.” Unmet needs within the relationship, ineffective communication, difficulties with attachment, and outdated gender expectations can all contribute to an affair — issues that Mahoney has guided couples through in her practice.
“Infidelity is extremely intricate; there are numerous layers and complexities surrounding why individuals cheat and how you can find a way back to each other,” Elmquist adds, emphasizing the importance of gaining insights. “Why did this occur? Where did things go wrong? What aspects of our relationship ultimately created an opening for another person to step in? Understanding these insights within your relationship is vital.”
However, if the partner who cheated is not inclined to be honest about the reasons or begins to assign blame, repairing the relationship may be unattainable. “[The explanation] cannot be overly simplistic, such as ‘I’m a man’ or ‘it simply happened,'” advises marriage coach and author Lesli Doares. “The only way to rebuild trust is through complete clarity on why it occurred, so that when faced with a similar situation in the future, a different choice can be made.”
Grant’s spouse acknowledged his struggle with sex addiction and independently pursued therapy to address it. “By the time I gathered the strength to leave, my husband had already been in therapy for a couple of years and had made significant progress in understanding why he jeopardized a family he cared about for insignificant relationships,” Grant explains. “I appreciated the effort he put into his healing process and how supportive he was as I worked through my own pain.”
Remove any temptations to reconnect with the affair.
If the affair is genuinely over, implementing physical measures to sever ties with the other person and establish boundaries is vital for your partner’s recovery. “Erasing contact information, blocking phone numbers, and eliminating social media connections will be crucial,” states Dr. Brandon Santan, a licensed marriage and relationship therapist from Tennessee.
Since Grant’s husband worked alongside the woman he had an affair with, this situation was more complex. “I do believe ‘no contact’ is essential, but sometimes it’s not feasible,” she reflects. “In those instances, there has to be transparency regarding any future interactions.”
Progress with complete honesty and compassion.
Experiencing infidelity can be incredibly harmful for numerous reasons, but a significant issue that needs to be addressed for healing is the absence of honesty. “The deception is a major component of the betrayal,” says Doares, which is why she urges the unfaithful partner to be completely truthful about every aspect of the affair—not just the details that may cause the least pain to their partner. “The person who cheated must be entirely transparent and willing to answer all questions,” she emphasizes.
This level of openness must persist for as long as necessary to rebuild trust, which Elle identifies as crucial to her recovery. “My husband sacrificed anything that made me uneasy (such as going out with friends after work). I had access to all devices, emails, passwords, etc. He kept me informed about his whereabouts and companions. It might seem humiliating initially, but he recognized that this was how he could restore trust,” she shares.
“You will need to set other priorities aside for a period and truly invest in this relationship to establish a fresh, strong, and renewed foundation,” adds Elmquist.
Be cautious about whom you confide in.
Your immediate response may be to share your partner’s transgressions widely on social media, which Travis McNulty, LMHC, from Florida notes is a typical reaction. “I’ve witnessed individuals in this situation take extreme measures to publicly humiliate their partner,” he says. “This is often born from anger and a lack of clarity, which can make the person who was cheated on appear irrational or unstable.” It’s beneficial to discuss your feelings with someone, particularly a therapist. However, informing everyone in your circle can potentially backfire.
“The more individuals who are aware of the situation, the more varying opinions will emerge, often driven by a desire to protect you from pain,” McNulty explains. “This creates a nightmare scenario for therapists, as alliances among friends and family can complicate the healing process.” Especially if you two decide to reconcile. “The person who has been betrayed might find the ability to forgive and move forward, but family members can harbor lingering resentment, creating additional pressure on an already fragile relationship attempting to recover,” McNulty adds.
Grant discovered solace by launching a blog, The Betrayed Wives Club, to connect with other women who have faced similar experiences of infidelity—a support network she credits as integral to her healing journey. “I established my site because I was longing for a community of women who could relate to my struggles and wouldn’t judge me,” she explains. Society often lacks a genuine understanding of the anguish caused by infidelity, and it can be incredibly painful to disclose your secret only to hear someone respond, as a friend once did, ‘Well, I wouldn’t tolerate that.'”
Think about collaborating with a certified therapist.
Following an affair, it can be challenging to determine the next steps or even how to begin.
If the discussions with your partner seem unproductive, you might want to engage a licensed therapist who can facilitate the process.
“The therapist’s role as a neutral participant in the dialogue helps to uncover underlying unmet needs that can be addressed within the couple’s relationship,” Mahoney shares.
“During this exploration phase of therapy, couples often gain the ability to seek understanding, foster compassion, enhance problem-solving skills, and make progress.”
“After gaining insight into why someone cheated, the next question is how to translate those lessons into practical changes.
Because the dynamics of the relationship will need to shift,” Elmquist notes.
“I frequently tell couples that they will need to let go of the original relationship and consider starting a new one with each other.
In this new relationship, you will need to apply the same enthusiasm you had at the beginning of your relationship once again; that same commitment to learning about, caring for, and being intentional with each other.”
Grant and her husband ultimately pursued couples counseling after each had attended separate therapy sessions.
“Our relationship has improved in many ways thanks to therapy,” remarks Grant.
“My husband is now more present in our shared life than he was previously.
We enjoy ourselves much more together, and he’s become a much more engaged father.
Therapy helped him work through a lot of unresolved childhood grief, making his emotions much more accessible.”
“If you genuinely want to move forward and maintain a loving relationship with your partner after infidelity, it is achievable.
I witness this in my office every day,” McNulty asserts.