If ending a relationship were straightforward, I wouldn’t be penning this article. The real question is not so much how to break up with someone, but rather how to do it in a manner that minimizes sadness, awkwardness, and misunderstandings. That’s no small task.
The reality is, breaking up with someone you care about—and even with someone you don’t—can be difficult for numerous reasons. You might find yourself missing their family, the affection and support you received from them during a particular phase in your life, or even the physical intimacy (which is entirely valid). You may genuinely worry about causing pain to someone you value, or perhaps you simply want to avoid being perceived as inconsiderate by your mutual acquaintances. Ultimately, the essence is that breakups are never enjoyable, regardless of how ready you might be to move on from a romantic relationship.
“For any reason that led you to decide to end a relationship, you also made a choice at some point that you wanted to be with that person,” states Alexandra Stratyner, a licensed psychologist at Stratyner and Associates in New York City. “There are likely many feelings of care and even love present, so it’s natural to want to avoid hurting them.”
Regrettably, there’s no such thing as a “perfect breakup.” However, if you’re the one delivering the difficult news, there are several actions you can take prior to and during that dreaded discussion to make the experience as healthy as possible for both you and your partner.
Here, therapists, psychologists, and other relationship professionals offer guidance on how to compassionately and effectively end a relationship.
1. Ensure that you truly want to break up.
Before you end the relationship, make sure that you genuinely wish to part ways. “A breakup is something you should want to pursue after taking the time to think it through,” says Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, a psychotherapist in New York City.
If you’re feeling uncertain and have worries about the relationship, it’s crucial to communicate those feelings to your partner before breaking up. “I’ve witnessed instances of ‘surprise breakups’ where one person believes everything is fine, only for the other to announce they’re leaving immediately,” remarks Hendrix. The shock of an unexpected breakup can be “extremely traumatic and very difficult to cope with,” she adds.
A healthier (and kinder) approach? Discuss your doubts and incompatibilities honestly. In some instances, such openness can even save the relationship, according to Hendrix.
Having a well-considered breakup means it shouldn’t be a hasty choice made during an argument or used as a means of controlling your partner. That behavior is passive-aggressive and potentially manipulative, Hendrix points out, and is certainly not a part of a healthy relationship.
“Ideally, a breakup should never come as a shock,” explains Julie Krafchick, a relationship expert, cohost of the Dateable podcast, and coauthor of the forthcoming How to Be Dateable (set to be released January 28). “There should have been numerous discussions leading up to it, where both parties attempted to address whatever issues led to feelings of incompatibility. By the time the actual breakup occurs, it’s best if you can each turn to one another and say, ‘We did attempt to work through this.’”
2. Give the conversation some consideration.
Once you’ve made the decision to end a relationship, it’s essential to allow yourself time to reflect on what you wish to communicate before you actually discuss it. The conversation is likely to be stressful, and under stress, you may struggle to access logical and rational thoughts, explains Hendrix.
Draft precisely what you aim to convey and rehearse it a few times so that when you find yourself in the moment, you’ll be able to clearly express your thoughts. Planning ahead can also assist you in assessing the tone you intend to use when delivering your message. Aim to keep it “neutral, non-accusatory, non-blameful, compassionate, direct, and honest,” advises Hendrix.
That being said, don’t attempt to create the ideal script—it doesn’t exist. It’s understandable to desire to articulate everything perfectly to prevent your soon-to-be ex-partner from feeling upset. However, that sadness is unavoidable, according to Hendrix. “At some point, it’s sufficient, and you just need to go ahead and say it.”
3. Cultivate empathy.
As you prepare, consider your partner’s perspective. “Having empathy for your partner’s experience of being broken up with, and being able to express it, can greatly alleviate the inevitable pain,” says Franklin A. Porter, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City.
When you initially fall in love, empathizing with your partner is usually straightforward; however, by the time you’re ready to end it, it may be tempting to disregard how your breakup will affect them. Yet, a touch of empathy can save you from complications later. “If you’ve been on the receiving end of a breakup before, you likely understand how it feels,” Porter observes. “Recalling those feelings in advance would aid in shaping your message.”
4. Accept the fact that you cannot control their response.
Regardless of your words and the empathy you express, you are unable to dictate how the other individual will respond or alleviate their sorrow. “There’s no assurance that the discussion will be successful, since one can only manage the message conveyed, not how it’s received,” points out Porter.
Even so, some elements can affect the reception of your message, he adds, which is why it’s beneficial to consider the feelings of the other person and your approach to the conversation in advance. For instance, if you’re so focused on ending things that you neglect to remember it’s their birthday, they might react with even more anger.
5. Remind yourself that ending a relationship is perfectly acceptable.
Breaking up with a partner—especially when you have strong feelings for them—can be painful, but it’s not an incorrect choice, so you shouldn’t experience guilt over your resolution.
“Remind yourself it’s okay to exit a relationship that isn’t beneficial for you,” states Hendrix. “It’s an act of self-respect you’re undertaking because you don’t envision a future together. If it’s not suitable for you, then it’s also not suitable for them, even if they might not realize it as much as you do.”
For the sake of your mental well-being, remind yourself that not every relationship is meant to work. This doesn’t reflect poorly on your partner or imply they did something wrong. You owe it to yourself—and to them—to express when you recognize the relationship isn’t fulfilling so both of you can move forward toward better prospects.
6. Communicate the decision in person.
If you feel secure enough to meet your soon-to-be ex face-to-face, Porter suggests that “you owe it to your partner to have the breakup discussion in person.” While it’s uncomfortable and more challenging than breaking up via phone, doing it this way “demonstrates that you care for them and value that relationship.” (In short, avoid the Berger move of leaving a “I’m sorry, I can’t” Post-it.)
However, while their emotions are significant, your safety is the top priority. If you feel unsafe meeting in person for any reason, opt for a virtual breakup via phone or FaceTime. You might also inform a trusted friend in advance about the time and place of the breakup so they can check in afterward.
7. Choose an appropriate location.
There isn’t a singular “correct” place for this type of discussion, but Hendrix recommends considering your partner’s perspective to figure out where they might prefer to receive the news. Just remember that locations filled with distractions—like a noisy restaurant—are probably not wise choices. “You want to be able to be attentive, listen, ask questions, and hear their responses,” she states.
Porter advises steering clear of public spaces altogether, unless you’re worried about safety. “It’s unfair to the person receiving the news to have to manage a possible emotional response in such settings,” he explains. “This is an intimate discussion that requires a private atmosphere, ideally at the partner’s home, allowing them to choose when to end the meetup.”
Again, this only applies if you feel secure. If there’s any concern about your partner’s reaction, prioritize your own safety and meet in a public area like a busy park, where a friend can wait nearby, or end the relationship over the phone.
8. Arrive sober.
You might feel tempted to have a drink or two before starting the breakup talk—since alcohol can loosen inhibitions—but that’s not advisable. “When we’re under the influence, we’re not fully present,” says Hendrix.
During a breakup conversation, being fully engaged is crucial so that you can express yourself honestly, kindly, and remember what you want to communicate, she explains.
9. Recognize that it’s likely to be painful.
If you and your partner share a deep bond and have been together for an extended period, it’s very likely that what you say will hurt them, according to Hendrix, even if both of you understand that moving on is the right choice. Anticipating this discomfort can help while also reminding yourself that it isn’t your fault.
“Allow your partner the respect of following their own path,” advises Hendrix. “Your aim is to convey the information but not to take on too much responsibility for how they will feel.”
Also important: “No explanation you offer will leave them feeling satisfied,” notes Hendrix. Therefore, don’t approach the conversation expecting to conclude on a positive note or assume you can seamlessly transition from romantic partners to platonic friends immediately.
10. Utilize “I” statements.
When sharing your message, express it from your perspective without casting blame or making accusations. “It’s your choice that the relationship isn’t ideal, and it’s you who has decided to end it,” explains Hendrix. “Thus, the healthiest approach is to own your feelings using ‘I’ phrases instead of saying ‘You don’t really enjoy my family’ or ‘You don’t go out as often as I do.’”
11. Be straightforward.
Avoid being vague or hinting at your desire to break up without explicitly stating it. A more indirect approach might feel kinder in the moment—but believe me, it’s not. “It’s best to just convey the truth, which is, ‘We’re not compatible,’” says Hendrix.
“It’s truly beneficial to be specific,” says Stratyner. “We don’t wish to criticize someone’s character, but we do want to clarify our feelings.” That’s where the “I” statements come in. “You could say, ‘When this occurred, it made me feel this way,’ or ‘I feel that our long-term goals or desires from this relationship are misaligned,’” she adds. “However, you should also show empathy. Consider how you would like someone to speak to you if the roles were reversed.”
12. But don’t go into elaborate details.
Refrain from enumerating all the reasons why the relationship doesn’t work for you. “These are aspects that the other person might find difficult to move on from,” advises Hendrix.
If your partner asks for specific reasons behind the breakup, you can acknowledge that you understand their desire for clarity and perhaps provide one or two reasons, framed from the “I” perspective, according to Hendrix.
Overall, you should repeat the primary sentiment that you simply don’t believe you match well together. “The only situation in which you should delve into all those minor details is if you wish to work on the relationship,” Hendrix adds.
13. Maintain focus on the relationship.
Treat the breakup as an issue within the relationship rather than flaws in your partner, suggests Porter. “Couples separate for numerous reasons, but ultimately, it’s the relationship that has run its course,” he notes. “Relationships involve both partners, so recognize your part in it not succeeding.”
Hendrix expresses it this way: “The relationship is the entity you’ve built, and that’s what isn’t functioning anymore,” she explains. “Neither of you is a bad person, but the interplay of both of you together is what is resulting in decreased happiness and fulfillment.”
14. Be ready to listen.
While you will lead the discussion, you should also be prepared to truly listen—attentively, says Porter. “You may not appreciate what you hear,” he cautions. “Your partner may react in various ways, likely desiring to be heard, or at the very least, have the final word. Consider what your partner needs in that moment and be prepared to respond and adapt accordingly.”
15. Anticipate a variety of reactions.
You cannot definitively predict how your partner will respond to the breakup, but you should prepare for multiple reactions.
If they become angry. “Recognize that this is part of the process,” advises Porter. Both Porter and Hendrix recommend acknowledging their feelings. You might express something like, “I understand that you’re upset; you have every right to feel that way.” This might help ease some of the tension, according to Hendrix. At the same time, remain calm and refrain from responding to their anger with anger of your own. It can also be helpful to ask, “Are you okay with continuing this conversation? Would you prefer to take a break and talk in a little while?” Naturally, Hendrix states that if the anger becomes abusive (or threatening), you should say, “This isn’t acceptable or appropriate,” and conclude the conversation. Remember, it’s never right to stay in relationships out of fear of how the other person will react.
If they become sad. “Show empathy as you might have before the breakup—through a hug or another affectionate gesture—while being prepared for the possibility of them refusing,” states Porter.
If they commit to changing. Let them know that while you appreciate the willingness to change, the breakup stems from the fact that the relationship isn’t the right fit and that even with changes, your feelings won’t be altered, says Hendrix. Moreover, acknowledge that you wouldn’t want them to change for you but only for themselves if that’s what they genuinely feel is necessary, adds Porter.
16. Show respect.
Although you cannot dictate your ex’s response to the breakup, you can control your own. Always treating the other person with dignity—even if they say or do something that irritates you—can help prevent things from turning unpleasant as you conclude the relationship.
Respect can be demonstrated in various ways, from having the discussion face-to-face to being clear (yet kind) about your reasons for making this choice. “Ensure that you’ve genuinely contemplated it,” suggests Yue Xu, a relationship expert, cohost of the Dateable podcast, and coauthor of the forthcoming How to Be Dateable (releasing January 28). “And then give them an opportunity to discuss the breakup.”
One practice Xu has employed in her breakups is to “return someone’s secrets.” “When you’re in a relationship, you become vulnerable and share many personal things,” she elaborates. “Reassure the other person that whatever they confided in you will remain confidential. That’s the ultimate demonstration of respect.”
17. Avoid leaving things unresolved.
In the heat of the moment, you might be tempted to soften the hurt of a breakup by suggesting a possibility of future reconciliation, but refrain from saying that if it’s not an option; otherwise, you risk giving your partner false hopes.
“If you mention, ‘Perhaps after I complete my bar exam,’ they will be anticipating your call once the exam is done,” Hendrix points out. “If you realize that this individual isn’t the right partner for your life and there’s very little chance of rekindling anything, it’s best to be honest.”
18. Don’t become their only source of support.
Be mindful that the person who is being broken up with doesn’t start to look to you as their emotional support, warns Stratyner. “You can show care and compassion, but you likely don’t want them to depend on you to help them process the breakup, as you’ll need to have some time apart,” she adds.
If it seems like they are leaning on you as their main source of support, help them find other people or resources they can turn to, such as close friends, family members, or even a therapist, enabling both of you to have the space you need.
19. Share a few positive thoughts.
Though the focus should primarily be the breakup, it’s considerate to express reflections on what you value in your partner. “You should be honest about how your life improved because this person was part of it,” says Hendrix.
These sentiments might be well-timed toward the end of the discussion. “Regardless of the outcome, thank your partner for the good moments,” Porter suggests. “Show appreciation and express regret that things didn’t work out.”
“You want to ensure that you leave this person in the best possible way,” says Krafchick. “In terms of if you encountered them on the street, would you wish for them to avoid you? Or would it be fine if they approached you?”
20. Allow space for each other.
Every relationship will have its unique circumstances. If you have children, pets, or share a residence, it might take longer to separate and find personal time. “However, if it’s feasible to create some distance without causing harm to anyone, it can be beneficial,” says Stratyner.
So consider muting or unfollowing them on social media, limit your texting or calling, and perhaps stay away from places where they often go for a while—this doesn’t have to be permanent, but frequent interactions will only deepen the pain. If you live together, suggest finding temporary accommodation until you can both establish new living arrangements.
“Even if you believe you don’t want to be in a relationship, you likely still have lingering emotions,” explains Stratyner. “Many individuals feel conflicted during a breakup. They might still hold strong feelings for someone yet find that they’re not aligned in terms of their desires. Without that space, people often get caught in a kind of holding pattern.”
21. Reflect on your own feelings.
After the conversation, take a moment to check in with yourself, as suggested by Hendrix. Ask yourself: How did that feel for me? How am I feeling right now? Then remind yourself that it is perfectly okay to end a relationship. While you might feel down at the moment, understand that this feeling is temporary.
Also, recognize that you just did something that can be quite challenging. Despite being the one initiating the breakup, “you are not immune to emotions,” says Hendrix. As you navigate difficult feelings, be gentle with yourself and engage in self-care. Treat yourself kindly: watch a movie, take a nap, or prepare a nutritious meal.