Flowers, chocolate, and wine are often considered some of the most romantic gifts one partner can give to another. However, this past autumn, my husband presented me with something that would have even more enduring positive effects on our relationship than a bouquet of long-stemmed red roses or a bottle of Pinot Noir enjoyed by the fire. In fact, the makeover of our bedroom was one of the most caring and thoughtful gestures he has made, not only for me personally but for our relationship as a whole.
“The bedroom is where the most intimate moments in a relationship occur — you expose yourself both physically and emotionally. Therefore, it’s essential that it remains a safe environment,” said conscious relationship coach Danielle Robin in our conversation. “If the bedroom feels chaotic or uninviting, so too can the interactions that take place within it.”
When we bought our home two years ago, we were pressed for time and had to skip painting the walls. Our new bedroom was a dismal muddy brown that could best be described as bleak. That’s not exactly the vibe you want associated with your bedroom, right? Initially, I tried to convince myself the color was warm and inviting, but deep down, I recognized that I wasn’t satisfied with it. We lived with the dull brown until one day, as his work slowed down for the season, my husband asked what color I would like to choose.
We began with a change in color.
Both of us agreed that we wanted to brighten the room. Although he had never encountered the term “accent wall” before, my husband was enthusiastic about going all-in with the royal navy blue hue I wanted for the wall behind our bed.
I was aware that painting the bedroom would enhance its mood. What I hadn’t anticipated while standing in the store looking at paint swatches was that it could also improve our relationship.
I have always believed that the bedroom should be a retreat at the end of the day, and I aimed to create a sanctuary for us, free from clutter, electronics, and negative energy. By utilizing color, light, and texture, I hoped we could transform our space into a haven where we would foster our marriage and express our highest creative selves. I realize this is a lofty expectation for a project that began with a can of Benjamin Moore, but I genuinely believed that by cultivating a proper environment, our relationship would thrive.
The next steps involved adding texture, lighting, and decluttering.
Changing the wall color was merely the first step. I envisioned our bed as a warm haven decorated with blankets and throw pillows.
“Texture plays a significant role in enhancing mood and crafting an impressive space,” stated John Monte, a Seattle-based interior designer who operates Elegant Simplicity with his wife, Sherri Monte. “Once you determine the feeling you want for your space, it’s time to add cozy layers and textures. Incorporating a variety of soft textiles, such as wool, cashmere, shag, or knit, can subtly create a relaxing sanctuary. Consider introducing elements made from natural materials like wicker, rattan, raffia, or jute. Using small furnishings made from these natural elements is an excellent way to achieve a professional interior design aesthetic.”
Monte also advised me to focus on the lighting in our bedroom.
“Lighting can seduce you, invite you, or send you straight to sleep,” he noted. “This is why it’s crucial to find various types of lighting — chandeliers, pendants, sconces, floor lamps, table lamps, task lighting, overhead lighting — with the right undertones for your bedroom. Examine the lighting in your space to see how it’s influencing your everyday activities. Are you often wishing to read in bed but straining your eyes due to insufficient light?”
I also understood that in order for the area to feel like a haven, we needed to clear away clutter.
“A clutter-free bedroom allows for more openness, better conversations, and greater intimacy,” Robin explained. For my husband, that involved clearing out the pile of receipts on his dresser. For me, it meant removing the ever-growing heap of “worn but not dirty” clothes from the vanity table.
Eliminate distractions.
We were already ahead of the game by refraining from allowing children’s toys or any of their belongings in our bedroom, which I know many parents struggle with. Robin also suggested keeping our devices in another room.
“I highly recommend creating a technology-free bedroom,” she advised. “One option is to agree to keep laptops or cell phones out of the bedroom while sleeping. You might set up a charging station just outside the bedroom and use an alarm clock that simulates a sunrise. An even more advanced approach is to make the bedroom completely free of laptops and cell phones at all times!”
My husband has recently begun charging his phone in the kitchen at night. I still keep mine by my bedside for the alarm (and, admittedly, for late-night scrolling), but my laptop is in another room, transforming our bedroom into a work-free zone.
Make it a collaborative endeavor — and always evolving.
I also tried to keep in mind that finding common ground was a key aspect of the design journey.
“A bedroom should be a considerate expression of both individuals,” Robin emphasized. “Ensure that each person’s perspective is honored and showcased in the way a bedroom is designed. Be open to being flexible and working together on colors, fabrics, and layout. It’s crucial that both partners feel welcomed and at ease in the space.”
For instance, a textual art poster that I adored but my husband felt indifferent about ended up in the bathroom. Nevertheless, we both agreed on the playful “lively garden” curtains from Pier One.
When the wire sculpture from Anthropologie that spelled “goodnight” in cursive didn’t stand out on the accent wall, my husband proposed spray-painting it gold. Suddenly, this bedroom renovation became a project we embraced together. We felt just like Chip and Joanna Gaines! (Though without the shiplap.)
While I appreciated the idea of a “grand reveal,” Robin reminded me that, similar to relationships, the bedroom should always be a work in progress.
“Change is essential in the bedroom environment,” she explained. “Consider updating your bedroom every six months. It could be a new pillow, candles, sheets, a plant, seasonal wall art, or a room spray with a fresh scent. Don’t cling too tightly to it being one specific way; it should feel refreshing and exciting while also being cozy and familiar.”
And although I’m very thankful for my husband’s effort in our room (anyone who’s painted understands it’s tough work!), it’s comforting to realize that I don’t need everything to be perfectly arranged. Monte mentioned that I’ve made significant progress since the country-cozy comforter and dull brown walls.
“The deep blue you’ve selected brings an energy that was missing when your walls were beige,” he noted. “Also, the bright yellow comforter radiates a lot of character.”
He further recommended adding some greenery to the room, which I surprisingly overlooked.
“Plants bring vitality to a space, particularly in a bedroom,” he stated.
And while our bedroom transformation received positive feedback from the professional designer (along with a few suggestions for enhancements), the most significant accomplishment was that we crafted an environment that makes us feel calm and joyful — and where we want to spend time together.