If a woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets (thanks Titanic for that line) consider mine full to the brim, because I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve hurled myself headfirst into falling heart over heels. Here’s why you shouldn’t.
I was lying there with the weight of his body on top of me, each movement sending waves of pleasure through my nerves.
Locked in his gaze, I looked up into bright blue eyes, my mouth aching for his, while my thoughts fought to hold my sentence in.
Three words. Eight letters. “I love you,” I dreamed of whispering into the darkness, filling the space between our faces.
Which was in actual fact entirely ridiculous because we’d only met seven days before. And I knew with my entire being that I had been in this exact situation before. And knew with absolute certainty that it would happen again.
Because I fall in love very easily, very quickly, and also very often.
If a woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets (thanks Titanic for that line) consider mine full to the brim, because I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve hurled myself headfirst into falling heart over heels. Here’s why you shouldn’t.
I was lying there with the weight of his body on top of me, each movement sending waves of pleasure through my nerves.
Locked in his gaze, I looked up into bright blue eyes, my mouth aching for his, while my thoughts fought to hold my sentence in.
Three words. Eight letters. “I love you,” I dreamed of whispering into the darkness, filling the space between our faces.
Which was in actual fact entirely ridiculous because we’d only met seven days before. And I knew with my entire being that I had been in this exact situation before. And knew with absolute certainty that it would happen again.
Because I fall in love very easily, very quickly, and also very often.
Hooked on the high of falling in love and seeking the rush of romantic emotions, people with this unique personality trait chase down connections while ignoring any red flags or suspicious signs.
Call it emotional promiscuity. And I’m a great big love slut.
With eternal optimism that The One is just one swipe of a dating app away and that every first date could be my last first, I’m the girl who gets so excited by a shiny new man that I lose myself and topple into the next situationship.
Especially when we’re having sex and he’s making me feel all kinds of wonderful and looking down at me with that hunger in his eyes and I just melt.
Phoebe Rogers, a clinical psychologist, couples therapist and dating and relationship coach, says emophilia is a lot like anxious attachment style, and it can stem from the love we received as kids.
“Often with anxious attachment, there’s this childhood wound of caregiver parents never having been perfectly attuned,” she tells Body+Soul. “And so if you don’t learn how to love yourself and validate your own emotions, you’re often looking for what’s empty inside externally in a partner.
Then maybe someone comes along and you actually idealise them and it’s fast and intense because it’s what you’re longing and hoping for and you think that’s it. But you’re not actually in your logical rational brain. You’re more in your body, trauma and wounds, and I think sometimes it’s projection, sometimes it’s naivety, and often there’s this faster bond because you’ve ‘been there, done that’ before.”
Anxious attachment style can also be the result of loneliness and wanting to fill that empty void, Roger explains over the phone while I stare at my only housemate, an eight-year-old cat who doesn’t answer me.
“Then on the other hand, there’s the avoidant attachment style where you’ve probably never experienced deep closeness to someone, like true intimacy, and so you go for the superficial connection,” the psychologist says. “And then when things get rough or bumpy and it’s not smooth sailing, it’s not superficial, it’s not all easy, and it’s not all fun, then you want to leave.”
The challenges of falling in love too swiftly
Though these tales may amuse married friends and those in committed relationships, I can attest as someone who has experienced emophilia that it can be draining.
“I believe you might be jumping from one person to another because you are constantly seeking the ideal, and when you realize someone isn’t perfect, you move on,” Rogers observes, and I silently acknowledge my own guilt with a nod.
“This often leads to never staying in a long-term relationship to do the hard work of figuring things out, so you miss out on developing skills like assertiveness, emotional regulation, and clearly expressing your feelings without escalating situations. It shifts your focus outward towards the relationship instead of inward to explore questions like, ‘Where does this come from? What aspects of myself need healing? How can I better support and love myself?’
“You end up lacking self-connection.”
Steps to address it
If this resonates with you and sounds all too familiar (and I assure you, Rogers is accurately hitting the nail on the head), she has some advice for those love-struck individuals who can’t resist romance.
1. Gain self-awareness
“Talk to someone about what you’re experiencing and read a solid book on attachment styles,” suggests the dating and relationship coach. “You first need to identify and cultivate awareness of these feelings so that it doesn’t seem pathological. Instead, you can view it as something you can actively work on.”
2. Engage in personal growth
It’s essential now to take action and reflect genuinely. “Ask yourself, ‘How do I feel right now?’ and acknowledge that it’s perfectly alright to feel that way. Validate your emotions. Remind yourself, ‘I don’t need a partner’s validation; I can do that for myself, and I can build a fulfilling individual life,’” advises Rogers.
3. If you’re in a relationship, consider staying in it
Before making the leap again, can you leverage this opportunity to explore more? “Can you remain in the relationship and discuss your feelings with your partner, giving them an opportunity to respond? You might just co-create something positive together,” the expert emphasizes.
“Always return to reality. Life has its bumps, relationships can be rocky, and the initial chemistry and sparks may fade, but what truly matters is the connection formed through shared values. Remember that love encompasses more than just fleeting feelings or appearances, so keep it in perspective.”
4. Take your time
This piece of advice resonates with me most because I realize that if I consciously slowed things down, I would likely avoid much of the trouble I find myself in. If I hadn’t felt the pressure to see that guy five times within the first week after meeting, would I have felt the need to declare my (questionable) love for him?
“It’s all about that idealized perception, right?” Rogers points out. “Constantly seeing someone often prevents you from being your true self and can lead to losing sight of, ‘What do I need? Is this too much? Is it too intense? Am I too focused on helping them and enhancing their life?’
“Thus, learn to embrace this space because it’s vital. It’s incredibly important to remember that secure attachment can be cultivated and developed, but it requires effort.”