Many couples tend to follow a similar trajectory and share common aspirations. Long-term relationships are frequently evaluated by achieving specific milestones, such as leaving a toothbrush at each other’s home, exchanging keys to one another’s places, and ultimately deciding to move in together. However, an increasing number of couples find that cohabitation is not their ultimate goal: instead, they prefer to maintain their own separate homes while still being in a romantic relationship, known as living apart together (LAT). For these couples, having distinct living spaces is the key to a fulfilling and healthy partnership, even extending to marriage.
Interested in this emerging trend? So were we, which prompted us to seek insights from experts Bella DePaolo, Dr. Sherrie Sims Allen, and Dr. Robert Riordan. After all, if it works for Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Brad Falchuk, along with countless other people on Reddit, it might suit you as well. “We are entering a new era of couples living separately,” DePaolo states. Indeed, data from the United States Census Bureau shows that 3.89 million Americans reside in different homes from their spouses, representing 2.95 percent of U.S. marriages.
In the past, couples often lived apart out of necessity—perhaps one or both partners had excellent job opportunities in different locations that they couldn’t give up. While that situation still applies to some LAT couples, the trend of consciously opting to live separately, irrespective of employment issues, is gaining traction. “What has recently emerged, or is becoming more recognized, is that couples are choosing to live apart because they desire it—or at least one person in the partnership does,” she explains.
Just as many people are now marrying or starting families later, others are exploring alternative paths regarding their relationships. Particularly for those who spent their twenties and thirties single and living independently, it can be challenging to relinquish that autonomy. “I view this as a potentially rising trend as singles seek ways to connect that won’t require significant sacrifices to their desired lifestyle,” says Sims Allen. According to Riordan, there is supporting evidence that indicates this model is effective. “Research has shown that LAT relationships can maintain a robust romantic bond while ensuring higher levels of satisfaction within the partnership.”
Wondering about how to sustain a LAT romance? We will outline what living apart together truly entails, the reasons behind choosing a LAT lifestyle, the advantages and disadvantages, and ways to make it successful for you.
Living apart together (LAT) describes couples who are in a serious romantic relationship but opt to have separate living arrangements. “Some couples might reside in the same apartment complex; others may be on the same street,” Riordan notes. “Some live in homes adjacent to one another. In certain instances, one partner may live in a city while the other enjoys a quieter home in a nearby suburb.”
While numerous factors can lead a couple to choose different residences (ranging from financial considerations to personal circumstances), they generally make the deliberate choice to pursue this relationship style to enhance their partnership. “In our culture, we mistakenly assume that all unmarried couples living apart are merely navigating temporary financial or geographic hurdles that will eventually resolve, resulting in cohabitation,” Riordan explains. “Moreover, it’s often presumed that all married couples live together. However, a growing number of couples—both unmarried and married—are opting for a permanent arrangement of living separately because they believe it nurtures their best romantic connection.”
How Living Apart Together Differs from Long-Distance Relationships
Now that you have a clearer understanding of LAT relationships, you may be curious about how this arrangement contrasts with long-distance relationships. Although both configurations involve partners residing in separate households, they represent entirely different situations. LAT couples typically make an intentional choice to live apart from one another, believing that this living arrangement will enhance their relationship. Conversely, in long-distance relationships, an external circumstance usually prevents both individuals from sharing a living space—they might be geographically separated due to educational commitments, job obligations, or family reasons. Consequently, they tend to meet less frequently than LAT couples and are less integrated into each other’s social networks.
Reasons Why Couples Are Choosing to Live Apart Together
Couples opt for separate living arrangements for various reasons, including their preference for privacy and personal space, the necessity of being in different locations due to work or financial constraints, or the belief that spending time apart can actually enhance their relationship. Here are some of the most frequent reasons why couples are adopting this relationship style:
Desire for Independence
Individuals who place a high value on their independence find the concept of living apart together attractive. By having separate residences, each partner can maintain control over their environment and enjoy solitary time when desired while still reaping the rewards of a romantic relationship. “Living separately can provide relief to couples who appreciate their personal space, as well as each other,” says Sims Allen.
Career Obligations
Some couples may opt to live apart because of obligations related to their jobs. For example, if both partners have established careers on opposite sides of the country and fall in love during a cross-country flight, it might be better for both them and their relationship to maintain their professional commitments (at least for a few years).
Financial Constraints
In some instances, couples might begin their marriage cohabiting in a house they either purchased or financed, but due to financial obligations, they may decide to cut costs by downsizing. Instead of financing a smaller home, they might determine that it’s more logical and economical to live in separate apartments. This depends on the situation, of course: Consigning to separate households could be more costly than living together.
Existing Families
If either partner has children from a prior relationship, it might be more practical for the couple to live in different residences. They may want to provide their children with a sense of stability, or perhaps their kids are already settled in their schools and social circles, so merging families would significantly disrupt their daily lives and emotional well-being.
Differing Lifestyles
Additionally, some committed couples may choose to live apart due to lifestyle differences, habits, and preferences. This could manifest as conflicting sleep patterns, different expectations regarding household cleanliness, or varying desires regarding where to reside.
Reasons for the Rising Trend of Living Apart Together
The LAT lifestyle is an attractive model for many couples, and its popularity is on the rise. As individuals in our contemporary society continue to question established norms, living apart together aligns with a broader cultural movement towards greater inclusivity and acceptance of unconventional arrangements. This relationship model challenges the traditional perception of what a devoted romantic partnership entails, asserting that cohabitation is not a necessity and that one can enjoy both independence and companionship.
Emphasis on Individualism
With the growing focus on individualism in our culture, LAT arrangements are becoming increasingly appealing to certain couples. Since individuals in individualistic societies are accustomed to navigating life in ways that prioritize their personal choices and freedoms, it is natural that some would wish to maintain that sense of independence within their relationship.
Impact of Feminism
According to Riordan, women have significantly propelled the LAT movement as a means to overturn traditional gender roles. Many women from older generations are embracing this relationship model as a way to challenge the domestic roles they once held. “Many older women who have spent years living under the same roof as their partners find that the freedom and independence tied to an LAT relationship are invaluable,” he states. “After decades of managing their husbands and children, these women are looking for a new phase (either with the same or a new partner) where their personal needs are a priority.”
Younger women are also taking inspiration from this trend. “Young women—having learned from their predecessors—strive to evade living conditions where they are disproportionately tasked with the responsibilities, both tangible and emotional, that come with a traditional single-residence relationship,” he adds. “They have been raised with a sense of independence that they are hesitant to sacrifice.”
Focus on Social Justice
In today’s world, people are significantly more accepting of diverse personal experiences, including differing relationship styles. Because society is increasingly open to and supportive of diversity across various aspects, couples opting to live apart are less likely to face societal criticism—and this empowers them to select a relationship model (including living apart together) that suits them, irrespective of external opinions.
The Advantages of Living Separately Together
Having individual space while being in a loving partnership offers many advantages, such as preserving your uniqueness and reducing the likelihood of disagreements.
Emphasis on Personal Needs
Residing separately allows you to decorate your space as you wish, create your own timetable, or visit friends and family without feeling guilty about dividing your time with your partner. “Each partner can rest when they prefer, be as disorganized as they like, and make noise as much as they want,” Riordan states. “Both individuals invest deeply in their own personal desires and needs.”
Fewer Issues Related to Cohabitation
According to Sims Allen, married couples choosing to live apart can enjoy a “rich and intimate life that emphasizes the essence of the relationship, rather than the mundane details of cohabitation and managing a household.” This means your relationship won’t revolve around daily tensions like whose responsibility it is to take out the garbage or who forgot to close the cupboard doors.
Having time apart allows your moments together to concentrate on strengthening your bond rather than merely spending time in each other’s presence. DePaolo mentions that when couples in LAT arrangements are together, “they focus on what they appreciate about one another without getting caught up in trivial matters.”
Reduced Conflict
Living separately can lessen relationship pressures, according to Riordan, who points out that couples in this situation often experience fewer disagreements. “LAT relationships tend to have fewer ‘sharp edges’ since the couple frequently retreats to their individual spaces before conflicts escalate,” he notes. Having separate areas enables both partners to reflect on their feelings and clarify their thoughts rather than reacting impulsively and upsetting each other.
Increased Attraction
Perhaps one of the greatest benefits of living apart together is the enduring attraction. “Couples in LATs make this choice based on a sincere belief that distance can amplify their affection,” Riordan suggests. “They cherish a sense of longing for their partner and attribute the distance to the lasting excitement in their relationship.” After spending a significant time apart, you’ll value your moments together even more, leading to greater appreciation for each other and your connection.
The Disadvantages of Living Separately Together
Despite the numerous benefits of LAT relationships, there are also drawbacks. Regardless of the issues you encounter, the key to overcoming these challenges, as Sims Allen advises, is to remain flexible: communicate when things aren’t functioning well, and be open to adopting a more traditional approach if it’s mutually beneficial.
Financial Burden
Depending on the living arrangement the couple chooses, some LAT situations may not be financially practical. “LAT relationships can carry the financial burden of maintaining two residences,” Riordan explains. “For many couples, this arrangement simply isn’t sustainable.”
Increased Insecurities
Furthermore, if there are any existing insecurities, jealousy may emerge if one or both partners feel neglected, or if they worry about their partner’s activities and companionship. “Above all, the significant disadvantage of an LAT relationship is that what makes it unique—namely, distance—can also lead to the greatest heartache,” Riordan remarks. “When we are deeply in love, we desire physical closeness to our beloved. Being away from the object of our desire can evoke feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and loneliness. Distance also understandably heightens concerns regarding our partner’s loyalty.” There’s also the risk that you may drift apart and look for a new partner who lives nearby—after all, couples engaged in LAT relationships miss a considerable amount, Riordan points out.
Communication Difficulties
Since partners in LAT relationships live separately, it may be harder to communicate effectively. Instead of being able to ask your partner a question in person, as those living under the same roof do, you’ll have to connect electronically, which isn’t always the easiest option. To maintain your connection, establishing a consistent communication plan is crucial.
How to Make Living Separately Together Successful in Your Relationship
If the idea of living apart together seems appealing for your relationship, it takes dedication and effort to ensure it thrives. Here are some ways to make this arrangement work:
Make a Mutual Agreement
Having time alone can be wonderful for most couples at some point, but ensure you are both fully committed to living separately and leading independent lives before embracing the LAT lifestyle. Before taking any steps, it is vital to discuss with your partner the prospect of living apart. Both partners need to be on the same page—or at least open to trying this living arrangement—before any plans are made. It’s important to clearly communicate why you want to live apart, ensuring that neither partner is agreeing merely to satisfy the other.
Establish Expectations
Once both individuals agree to pursue a Living Apart Together (LAT) arrangement, make sure to clearly articulate your expectations so that each of you understands what you’re committing to. If children are involved, when will childcare responsibilities be shared, and what will that entail? How will expenses be divided? How will you handle any possible issues that may arise from living separately? It’s vital to reach an agreement before moving into different homes.
Consider a Trial Period
Riordan recommends a trial period for couples who are unsure. “If both partners believe that an LAT relationship could enhance their romantic connection, they should undertake a three-month trial,” he advises, acknowledging that this isn’t a light decision. “One partner should find a sublet or rent a furnished Airbnb or VRBO so the couple can assess the advantages and disadvantages of this setup. It’s important to note, though, that if one partner isn’t fully committed, the trial is likely to fail. The hesitant partner will experience a very different—and probably quite painful—journey during this period of separation.”
Plan Time Together
Having individual space is a significant attraction for many in LAT couples, but designating time to be together will make your separate time even more fulfilling. Schedule regular date nights and occasionally plan a weekend getaway to ensure that you spend quality time in each other’s company.
Emphasize Communication
Residing in different spaces can lead to communication issues, so it’s essential to make it a priority. Share your needs and discuss how your partner can fulfill them, establish boundaries as necessary, and consistently acknowledge your partner’s strengths. However, it’s equally important to honor each other’s privacy and personal space, so excessive communication shouldn’t be the goal. Make sure to set guidelines on when it’s appropriate to reach out and when it isn’t.
Accept Your Choice
If maintaining separate residences is the ideal arrangement for both you and your partner, prioritize what works best for the health of your relationship. Sims Allen mentions a couple where the husband resided in South Africa while the wife lived in New York. They cherished their individual homes, enjoyed their jobs, and loved each other, so they, like many couples today, successfully made it work. “Having your own place is increasingly less uncommon,” DePaulo notes. “Sometimes it’s the experience of living with someone else that requires some adjustment.”
Questions to Consider Before Living Apart Together
Establishing a few boundaries prior to embarking on your separate living journey is crucial for success, according to Riordan, who suggests asking these questions before you commit:
- What are each partner’s expectations regarding how often you’ll communicate? Will you connect daily through calls or texts? How accessible will each person be to the other?
- What are the expectations surrounding accountability? Do you want your partner to always inform you of their whereabouts and/or who they are with? Is fidelity expected in both romantic and sexual contexts?
- What financial obligations arise now that the couple is managing two separate households? Who will pay for which expenses?
- What narrative will you present to others, such as parents and friends? It’s vital to present a united front for the stability of the couple.
- Is this living arrangement intended to be permanent? It can be very hurtful for one partner to secretly believe that this setup is only a temporary phase.