Falling in love is an enchanting experience, but what about your ideal future together? Have you ever been caught off guard realizing that being in love doesn’t guarantee everything will just fall into place? To create a lasting partnership with your significant other, it’s essential to consider what contributes to a successful relationship. Sometimes, the sparks that ignite your journey (such as physical attraction, engaging conversations, and shared hobbies) might not be sufficient to ensure long-term happiness. In other words, your relationship may require deeper connections if it is to endure.
Regardless of what we learn from literature and films, true love isn’t simply granted. It demands effort and consistent care from both partners. “Successful relationships are those that are nurtured,” notes Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., LMFT, a therapist and expert in emotional well-being. Psychiatrist and writer Abigail Brenner, MD, concurs. “When you choose to unite your life with another, it represents the start of a shared journey that lasts for years,” she explains.
If you’re questioning whether you and your partner will endure the test of time, you’re fortunate because we have compiled six key elements that experts agree are necessary for a relationship to thrive in the long run.
Strong Communication
“Keep in mind that communication is the most crucial aspect of your relationship,” advises Goldsmith. No matter how frequently the two of you converse, you might not be communicating effectively. Meaningful dialogue is about connecting with your partner’s emotions and truly comprehending their feelings. Brenner recommends setting aside specific time to address topics that matter to both of you as a couple and as individuals so that you aren’t left waiting for discussions to arise spontaneously.
Both partners should also be comfortable expressing their emotions clearly enough for the other to understand. No matter how well you know each other, you can’t read minds, so it’s vital to express your feelings when something bothers you. For example, if you’re displeased because your partner is late for dinner, don’t spend the night being passive-aggressive, waiting for them to guess your mood. Instead, engage in a mature conversation, ensuring you genuinely listen to one another. “Attentive listening with complete focus is essential for true understanding,” says Brenner.
Complete Honesty
Life can be challenging, and one advantage of having a partner is that you don’t face it alone. “Having a trustworthy partner provides a buffer against life’s challenges,” remarks Goldsmith. For example, if you’re dealing with an eating disorder and feel ashamed, having someone you love and trust can ease the burden of your struggle significantly. Being supported by a trusted partner can alleviate a great deal of emotional stress.
You should also be straightforward and honest with your partner, regardless of how tough the topic may be. Remember that it’s possible to be truthful without being hurtful, Goldsmith cautions. Thus, if you think you’ve been contributing more financially than your partner, discussing it openly should feel easier, as you both have trust and respect for one another. Naturally, this sentiment should be mutual.
Independent (Yet Bonded) Lives
To be happy as a couple, you first need to be happy as an individual. When you have a rewarding job, nurturing friendships, and fulfilling hobbies, you’ll develop a strong sense of self, which is vital in a relationship. “This aspect is incredibly important,” stresses Brenner. Your relationship may play a significant role in your identity, “but ultimately, you remain who you are outside of your various life roles,” she continues. If you lack personal interests outside your partner and relationship, you may unintentionally place too much pressure on them to fulfill your happiness.
Quality Time
While your preferred love language might not be spending quality time together, it doesn’t diminish its significance. The beauty of quality time is that it can be interpreted in many ways. Whether you and your partner feel closest during a weekend black-and-white movie or while preparing your favorite dish together on a weekday, maintaining that connection is crucial. Reminding yourselves of the reasons you’re together will only reinforce your bond.
Equally vital as spending quality time together is taking time apart for individual pursuits. Brenner emphasizes the importance of both partners dedicating time to personal interests, reinforcing the idea that maintaining your own identity is also essential within a relationship.
Similar Life Goals
You and your partner don’t have to share an identical dream of a white picket fence, but your aspirations in life should align. If raising children has always been a priority for you, it’s unfair to give that up because your partner doesn’t want kids. Likewise, if being close to your family on the same coast is essential for you, but your partner is eager to relocate to the other side of the country, they might not be the right match for you. Successful couples tend to “understand what they want from life, what their shared objectives are, what they hope to achieve together, and are devoted to reaching those goals,” according to Brenner.
Positive Outlooks
At times, unexpected situations can disrupt your plans, so maintaining a positive attitude during challenging moments is vital. “Having a positive mindset may be crucial for upholding harmony,” notes Goldsmith.
While some individuals are naturally positive and optimistic, others may need to consciously cultivate their happiness. Regardless of which category you fall into, possessing a positive outlook is critical for the long-term success of a relationship. For example, if you’re experiencing difficulties with conception and it’s taking an emotional toll on you, having a partner who can uplift your spirits will reinforce your connection and enhance your ability to tackle future obstacles together.
However, it’s important to have realistic expectations of your partner, the relationship, and what lies ahead. Dreaming beyond reasonable boundaries can lead to disappointment. “Keep in mind that you’re dealing with another highly intricate individual in addition to yourself. There’s plenty to explore without aiming for unattainable ideals,” explains Brenner.
Disney films and romantic comedies often portray a beautiful narrative leading up to Happily Ever After, but they seldom show us what happens afterward. Why is that? Because life after a wedding—meaning marriage—requires effort. In a committed partnership, you will face ups and downs, challenges and success, achievements and setbacks, along with everything in between.
Although there isn’t a universal secret to managing these fluctuations successfully, there are specific habits you can establish early on—and consistently practice—to maintain a healthy relationship. Here, therapist Tamara Faulkner outlines some strategies she recommends to her clients for fostering and sustaining marital happiness, along with signs that indicate when it might be time to seek professional help.
Put Yourself First
Flight attendants advise passengers to secure their own oxygen masks before assisting others, and the same principle applies to marriage: It’s much easier to tune into the needs of others when you’ve already taken care of your own. By prioritizing your own satisfaction, you reduce the demands placed on others, especially your spouse, to fulfill your needs. This alleviates unnecessary pressure on the relationship.
“If I’m feeling hungry in a partnership—metaphorically speaking—I might develop the habit of asking, ‘Why aren’t they feeding me?’” states Faulkner. “But a more empowering question is, ‘If I’m hungry, what can I do to satisfy myself?’”
So, invest time into your own passions, work through your emotional challenges, and enjoy activities independently that bring you joy. By enhancing your individuality—the very person your partner initially fell in love with!—you’ll remain an intriguing and appealing partner, and you’ll also be more prepared to navigate issues that may arise in the relationship.
Set Boundaries
While some couples may insist, “we share everything,” it’s perfectly acceptable if you don’t choose to do the same. Establishing boundaries is a beneficial and constructive way to ensure both partners feel at ease on their own terms within the relationship.
“My preferred definition of boundaries comes from Prentis Hemphill,” Faulkner reveals. “They describe boundaries as the space in which I can love you and myself at the same time.” This kind of self-care can be helpful when it comes to preserving the strong sense of self mentioned earlier.
Do Daily Check-Ins
Faulkner emphasizes that daily check-ins are one of the most effective ways to strengthen a relationship. For this exercise, you’ll need two items: a timer and a deck of cards. Set the timer for ten minutes and then draw cards. The person who draws the highest card gets to decide who speaks first.
“I’ll share what was positive about my day, as well as what was negative,” Faulkner clarifies. “Then you do the same.” If someone appears worried, upset, or anxious later on, the check-in provides context for their emotions, which helps us realize that our partner’s expression of negativity may not be aimed at us. “It helps to depersonalize the situation,” Faulkner adds.
Treat Favors Like Poker Chips (Seriously!)
“In a relationship, it’s common for each person to engage in activities that may not align with their own preferences,” notes Faulkner, especially in long-term partnerships. As time progresses, the “favors” that one partner asks from another—like going to their workplace’s happy hour or attending their high school reunion—tend to become larger and require more time and mental and emotional investment. In these cases, Faulkner recommends picturing that each person possesses a set of $100 poker chips. When faced with a significant request, consider if it’s worth cashing in that poker chip for the favor. If it is, inform your partner that you’d like to use a chip. This process not only encourages reflection on the request being made, but also signals to your partner the significance of what you’re asking. By adding a bit of imaginary weight to the conversation, the poker chip method serves as a reminder to appreciate and respect the partnership consistently.
Honor What Annoys You
Although it can be disheartening for both parties to feel as though you’re continually highlighting things your partner does that irritate you, addressing these minor annoyances while they’re still small is vital to prevent them from growing into larger resentments later. Faulkner suggests that your daily check-ins are a great time to bring up these issues, but it’s important to do so thoughtfully. “Neuroscience indicates that we require five positive comments for each negative,” she states. While it might not always be feasible to provide five praises before mentioning that you wish your partner would stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink, this practice encourages you to regularly acknowledge and vocalize positive traits, something that may not come naturally. Furthermore, it assists the partner receiving the critique in not viewing the criticism as a fundamental trait in your perception of them.
Don’t Look to Social Media for Affirmation
For certain age groups, particularly millennials and Gen Z, it can appear essential—even obligatory—to post about your partner on social media. “Before you share something online, take a moment to evaluate your feelings after browsing for a while,” advises Faulkner. “What am I hoping to achieve by posting? If I’m trying to create a certain narrative, what does that narrative provide for me?” The story we cultivate with our partner is distinct to our relationship, and external opinions through comments are likely less beneficial than ongoing internal growth. “If you seek external validation for your ‘brand,’ that detracts from your own narrative,” Faulkner asserts, suggesting that rather than relying on online validation for your relationship, you should focus on the validation you derive from within it. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share another sunset couple photo, but rather to be candid with yourself about your motivations for posting in the first place.
Know When It’s Time to Seek Outside Help
Even the most robust relationships can benefit from marriage counseling, but many couples find it challenging to determine when it’s the right time to seek professional support. While there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer, Faulkner provides a few general indicators:
- If the individual you confide in has become the same person about whom you’re speaking, that might indicate you’re steering clear of discussing deeper issues directly with them.
- If you lie next to your partner every night and consistently feel like you’re hiding something, that could suggest that professional help would aid in facilitating communication.
- However, it’s unrealistic to anticipate that a single session with a counselor will miraculously resolve your problems. Similar to dating, finding the right counselor may take some time, so Faulkner recommends committing to at least four sessions. “Give it a few meetings, then assess: Do I feel understood? Do I believe they grasp the situation? Not all the time, but often enough?” she advises. If your answer is affirmative, you’ve found a suitable match.