At various stages in life, numerous couples find themselves contemplating and questioning, “What is the typical frequency of sexual activity among other couples?” While the answer isn’t definitively established, sex therapists have shared insights on the topic. Below are their thoughts, along with some extra advice to enhance your sex life!
The Typical Frequency
There is ongoing debate among sex therapists about the true average frequency of sexual encounters for couples in committed relationships. Responses can vary from once a week to once a month! When Ian Kerner, PhD, was asked how he addresses couples inquiring about the ideal frequency of sexual activity, he stated, “I’ve consistently replied that there’s no universally correct answer.”
When couples cease sexual activity, their relationships can become susceptible to resentment, emotional detachment, infidelity, and ultimately, divorce.
After all, many factors influence a couple’s sexual activity, including age, lifestyle, individual health and libido, and, importantly, the overall quality of their relationship.
Thus, although there is no singular answer to how often couples should engage in sex, I’ve been advising couples lately to aim for at least once a week.” According to David Schnarch, PhD, research involving over 20,000 couples revealed that only 26% of couples are achieving the once-a-week target, with most participants reporting sexual activity only once or twice a month or even less frequently!
Nevertheless, another research published by The University of Chicago Press around a decade ago indicated that married couples engage in sexual activity approximately seven times a month, which amounts to just under twice weekly. In a separate study, it was reported that among the 16,000 adults surveyed, older participants were having sex around 2 to 3 times a month, while younger individuals stated they were active around once a week.
Is Your Marriage Struggling?
Most sex therapists concur that if couples are having sex less than 10 times annually, that may qualify their marriage as sexless. However, according to Schnarch, a low frequency of sexual activity does not inherently mean your marriage is in jeopardy. Although sex typically serves as a primary expression of affection and desire between partners, a decline in sexual activity does not automatically indicate an impending breakup; nonetheless, it’s an issue that should be addressed. Dr. Kerner mentions, “Sex appears to be swiftly dropping down the priority list for many in America; however, from my experience, when couples stop being intimate, their relationships become exposed to resentment, emotional distance, infidelity, and ultimately, separation. I believe intimacy matters: It’s the glue that binds us, and without it, couples may become merely ‘good friends’ at best, or ‘contentious roommates’ at worst.”
How to Align Your Sexual Desires
Numerous elements must align for intimacy to become a shared desire. Often, differences in sexual preferences can lead to challenges within couples. Al Cooper from the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre notes, “Generally, the issues couples face tend to be less about the act of sex itself, and more about the circumstances surrounding it.
“If your sexual drives are misaligned, your goal should be to find a middle ground, engaging in sexual activity a bit more than one partner prefers, but likely a bit less than the other would like.” – Dr. Gail Saltz
No couple’s desire for sexual activity perfectly coincides at any particular moment. The crucial factor is how effectively a couple manages the occasions when one partner initiates and the other declines.” Like any relationship challenge, the frequency of sex necessitates compromise.
At first glance, it might appear to be an overwhelming challenge when considering the various daily tasks you manage. Responsibilities such as laundry, work, meal preparation, cleaning, and other errands often seem more pressing than a brief encounter with your partner; however, reigniting passion can be enjoyable! Kerner states, “Once we stop being intimate, it’s simple to find ourselves in a rut; but as soon as we get back into the groove, we realize how much we missed it. The old saying, ‘use it or lose it,’ holds some validity. So does my advice, ‘give it a try, you might enjoy it.’”
Initially, this could entail scheduling intimacy and making the moments leading up to it more affectionate. Embrace each other daily, engage in physical activity to boost testosterone levels, and eliminate distractions such as computers and TVs. If you continue to encounter challenges in achieving closeness, consulting a sex therapist may truly assist you and your partner in aligning your needs!
How to Have a Happy Sex Life
Regardless of whether you’ve been in a relationship for a month or three decades, you might have concerns about your sexual experiences as a couple.
Having a satisfying sex life is associated with benefits ranging from improved heart health to enhanced relationship satisfaction. But what defines a fulfilling sex life?
Some individuals believe that a good sex life is determined by how frequently partners engage in sexual activity. Others think that achieving numerous or mutual orgasms is essential.
In reality, none of these factors are crucial for a fulfilling sex life.
There’s no specific number when it comes to frequency. What truly matters is that both partners feel secure and at ease, and that they experience pleasurable intimacy.
The key is a couple’s capacity to communicate openly about the kind of sexual experiences they wish to have.
Let’s explore strategies to enhance your sexual relationship and how this may enrich the overall quality of your partnership.
How to communicate with your partner about sex
Although it may seem challenging, discussing sex with your partner is a valuable investment in your relationship.
Here are some effective ways to approach this conversation:
- Set aside time in advance to discuss sex. By scheduling this talk, you reduce the likelihood of it occurring out of frustration or anger.
- Talk about what is going well and what isn’t. Many issues couples face in the bedroom can be addressed through open dialogue. Look for ways to reach compromises so that both partners feel acknowledged and understood.
- Offer your partner suggestions about what you would like. Positive proposals often yield better results than complaining about things you’re dissatisfied with.
- Be straightforward about your desires. However, do not pressure your partner into doing anything they aren’t comfortable with, nor should you allow them to pressure you.
- Be receptive to each other’s opinions. Be open to compromising on these matters as well so that both partners feel validated and receive what they need.
- Communicate clearly and honestly. This will minimize the chances of misunderstandings. Avoid making your partner guess your intentions. If expressing a desire feels awkward, consider writing it down instead.
Tips for a satisfying sex life
Enhancing your sexual relationship requires effort and intention. Contrary to common belief, this doesn’t take the romance out of the equation. In fact, actively working on your sex life together can reignite the romantic spark in your relationship.
Avoid holding onto resentment
Feeling anger is a normal part of life. Sometimes individuals even have sexual encounters fueled by anger. However, unaddressed anger can hinder sexual desire, trust, and intimacy. It’s difficult to feel loving or sexual toward someone you’re angry with.
If you find yourself upset with your partner, seek out healthy methods to process and release that emotion. This could be as simple as discussing upsetting situations as they come up.
In some cases, it may be beneficial to seek help from a therapist or mediator.
Discover your own body
Engaging in masturbation can serve as a great way to understand your own sexual preferences in a safe and private manner.
Some couples also discover that exploring mutual masturbation can be stimulating and a valuable way to learn about each other’s bodies.
Avoid pretending
At times, it might seem easier to feign an orgasm or desire instead of discussing why things didn’t work out that time.
You might want to spare your partner’s feelings or simply wish to wrap things up if you’re tired or distracted.
However, this can be harmful to both your intimacy and your progress in improving sexual experiences together.
Being honest about your sexual encounters with your partner may bring feelings of vulnerability or embarrassment. Nonetheless, it’s a constructive approach to initiate conversations about your sexual needs so they can be addressed.
Don’t underestimate foreplay
In films, characters may quickly become ready for sex after a single passionate kiss from across the room.
In reality, this is rarely the case. Foreplay often plays a critical role in preparing for other forms of sexual expression.
The nature of the foreplay you engage in is also crucial. Help your partner understand the areas you enjoy being kissed and how you prefer to be touched. Discuss what excites both of you. Provide ample foreplay before moving on to other activities.
Don’t ignore afterplay
The time spent together after sex is also significant.
If you fall asleep right away or quickly disengage from your partner after intimacy, you miss the chance to deepen your connection and foster greater intimacy.
Engaging in conversation, cuddling, or simply holding each other afterward helps affirm your relationship and signals to your partner that they matter to you.
This intimate time contributes to your relationship and enhances both partners’ self-esteem. It also sets the groundwork for more connected and fulfilling sexual experiences in the future.