When you and your partner first began your relationship, their insights were pure genius, their laughter melted your heart—honestly, even the way they blinked felt groundbreaking. Fast forward several years, and you barely notice their latest haircut and can anticipate details about their day without needing to ask. The longer you stay married (or in a serious relationship), the simpler it becomes to overlook each other—but you’re already aware of that. Do you know how to change that immediately to prevent significant issues later, though?
The secret is to express affection for your significant other beyond major events, vacations, or romantic occasions (like other couples’ weddings). However, this doesn’t only mean a morning kiss or an occasional hand-holding. That’s a good start, but at its essence, affection signifies respecting the person you’ve chosen to live your life with (the same applies to them).
“Couples wish to earn each other’s respect during the dating phase and as they continue their journey together over the years,” explains Jenni Skyler, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist, AASECT certified sex therapist, and director of The Intimacy Institute in Boulder, Colorado. This not only strengthens your relationship but can also enhance your spouse’s attraction to you, she notes. (Consider this: feeling attracted to someone who is compliant or disengaged is quite challenging.)
That’s just the start of your new blissful life together. Here’s how to foster a happy marriage, as suggested by relationship experts:
1. Make contributions to their “emotional piggy bank.”
Your partner deserves to feel loved and valued by you every single day—you chose one another, so start acting like it. Aim to do something that makes them feel cherished one to three times each day (hint: choose an action relevant to their Love Language). Some contributions may be small (like walking the dog), while others should be more significant (such as preparing breakfast in bed). Regardless, the more contributions you make, the more you’ll fill their bank with warmth and affection. This helps alleviate resentment, boosts sexual intimacy, and fosters a long-term habit of mutual generosity, according to Skyler. It’s a major win.
2. Value small transitional moments.
Daily farewells and greetings are among the most crucial interactions you can share with your partner, as noted by marriage researcher and therapist John Gottman, PhD, founder of the Gottman Institute. These moments not only serve as opportunities to convey “you matter to me, and your return is a special event”—they also help differentiate quality time from less enjoyable responsibilities. Instead of the half-hearted “Love you, bye!” or the absent-minded “Hi, how was your day?” try establishing genuine hello/goodbye rituals (with a hug or kiss, ideally) for authentic connection. It’s far too easy to feel overlooked without them.
3. Clear away unresolved confrontations.
Whenever you’re feeling disconnected, it’s essential to have a clearing conversation, where both partners can express their feelings and share any assumptions. “Most couples feel reconnected after discussing both surface-level and deeper topics,” states Skyler. Once you vocalize your concerns (starting with “Lately, I’ve been feeling like…”), reflect on your own role in the situation. Together, aim to find a solution rather than a punishment that fits the “offense.” If you’ve been busy with work through dinner all week, make a reservation at their favorite restaurant. If you’ve said something hurtful, consider writing a love note (even a Post-it counts!).
4. Live up to your standards.
You might not realize how distant you’ve become until your partner points it out. However, they’re not looking for attention as much as they are asking for respect—the same respect you sought from them during the initial stages of your relationship. “Earning respect is a continual effort,” says Skyler. “It’s not something you achieve once and then forget.” So, make sure your actions are deserving of admiration. Be honest with yourself: Would you choose to be with you at this moment? If your answer is no, begin improving your behavior so you can embody the person you would want to be with. This can inspire your partner to do the same—trust the process.
5. Reintroduce fun into flirting.
Remember the excitement that came from your first date’s playful banter? Those feelings may have faded as you and your partner swapped your mutual attractions for comfort. There’s no shame in enjoying your Netflix and chill routine, but there’s a notable difference between lounging on the couch and merely passing the remote. “The way we flirt on a daily basis is very significant,” says Skyler. “When we flirt with confidence—not solely to head to the bedroom every time—it signals to your partner that you desire them.” The trick? Say something appealing (with the confidence that they’ll appreciate it, because, well, they like you), then step back. These brief exchanges keep nourishing the “erotic piggy bank,” as Skyler refers to it. “Then, when you do connect, you find this overflowing piggy bank that enhances the energy of the intimate moment,” she adds.
6. Free yourself from feeling stuck.
When a relationship hits a low point, it can seem almost impossible to find a way out. Both partners might feel entrenched in their habits. While change isn’t instantaneous, according to Skyler, that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth striving for. Observe your daily routine and pinpoint the moments when you’re on autopilot. Then, consider what minor adjustments you can implement to be more attentive to your partner. Over time, these small, daily changes will contribute to a significant transformation in how you connect with your significant other. They will quickly notice the difference, says Skyler.
7. Make your partner feel appreciated.
Your relationship may have started off with that passionate “can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars” excitement, but life events like work and family can take over. Rekindling that spark doesn’t necessarily mean planning a romantic getaway (though that’s not a bad idea). Instead, turn an ordinary Tuesday into something special by hiding a sweet note in your partner’s bag, suggests Megan Fleming, PhD, a relationship and sex therapist based in New York City. The note doesn’t have to be risqué—just something lighthearted or maybe a shared joke, she says. The intention? To remind your significant other that you’re thinking about them. “The greatest thrill is feeling wanted and desired by your partner,” Fleming notes. A simple or silly note ultimately conveys “I miss you” and “I’m excited to be with you.” (Stuck on what to write? You can start with that.)
8. Revive the sexting.
Let’s be honest: Sex doesn’t commence the moment clothes come off. It actually begins hours or even days in advance—often with a flirty text or a suggestive photo. That can ignite your partner’s desire faster than they can reply, guaranteed. Sure, you may have been married for ages (or it feels that way), but how much more exciting is it to hear your spouse express that desire, either verbally or through texts? The answer: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥.
9. Make anything (yes, literally anything) alluring.
“We can’t dictate our arousal any more than we can force ourselves to feel sleepy,” Fleming explains. So, on days when everything seems to dampen your sexual mood, ask yourself, “What’s one small thing that could feel pleasurable right now?” This could be a massage from your partner or simply a prolonged hug. Sharing an intimate moment with your spouse will heighten the intensity for future sexual encounters.
10. Discover and broaden your sexual interests.
Many couples build a “sexual menu” over time, and in terms of variety, it often resembles a fast-food chain more than a diverse buffet. Think of your sex life as a traffic light: you want to stay between yellow and green (just outside your comfort zone), avoiding red (pain or disrespect). This might involve incorporating anything from playful banter to exploring new avenues in the bedroom. True intimacy, which goes beyond just pleasure, comes from experimenting with something different.